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rachiebopper
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Name: Rachael
Country: United States
State: Minnesota
Metro: Moorhead
Birthday: 4/15/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Let's see...I love music: playing my French horn, singing, listening to music; I love talking to people--I prefer in person, but phone or internet will have to do sometimes! I like spanish--speaking it, and teaching it every now and then. I love God, and I'm having quite the time trying to listen for His plans for me.
Expertise: Being emotional and a bit dramatic...too much so, sometimes.
Message: message me
AIM:  rachiebopper
MSN: rachie_bopper@yahoo.com
Member Since:
3/3/2004
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| What am I doing on here? I should at least be sleeping if I'm not going to do any homework. So I guess I'll just keep writing for awhile. Is 'awhile' one word or two? I feel as though I should know this. Or maybe not. I don't think anyone comes to my xanga anymore...but with good reason. I don't really do xanga now. You'd think I would, since it's another way to put off doing anything productive with my life, but it's sort of fallen by the wayside. Well. One more post won't hurt, right? I don't really have anything to say. The Moorhead part of the Christmas concerts is over now, and we'll be playing in Orchestra Hall on Thursday. I guess I'm pretty excited for that. Playing horn is the only thing I enjoy about school. And the people here, of course, but as far as things I do, it's just horn that makes it worth it. And speaking of Christmas concerts...which I was a few sentences ago...I have absolutely fallen in love with "O Magnum Mysterium" by Morten Lauridsen. And through the wonder of Naxos Online Music Library, I can listen to it anytime I want. I also really enjoy the group that sings it on this particular recording. Check out their website. www.musicaintima.org They're from Canada. The other piece from the Christmas concerts that I love is Three Kings. I can't really figure out why I like it. My two favorite pieces from the concert are vocal pieces...things I'm not even involved in! I don't know why that's important or startling. I wonder what it would be like if I wrote a xanga post that was "stream-of-consciousness" style. This one sort of is. I'm not exactly sure how to do that, though. I don't think there would be as much punctuation, for starters. I remember Mrs. Swenson telling our 10th grade English class about a book called "Ulysses" that's written in stream-of-consciousness. If anyone is still reading at this point, bravo to you for putting up with this. I'm a little scared about this semester. I'm not necessarily afraid of all my finals or projects being difficult...I'm sure they will be and I've just accepted that. I'm worried that I just won't do any of it. I'm in a strange place (mentally, emotionally) right now. I don't want to do anything. I know the consequences. I try to remind myself. But I just don't want to. And then I get angry at myself for not doing anything, so I just tell myself how awful of a person I am and that this whole school mess is all my fault. Because it is. Speaking of school mess, I have not started my final composition project yet. And I told my prof that I would have something by tomorrow. I just don't have any ideas. I sit and stare at the staff paper. Sometimes I start crying a little. My composition-block is at its worst right now, I think. I've written stuff for most of this semester, but I still tell myself that I'm bad at it and just can't do it. And I usually tell myself things like this; that I'm bad at things, that I can't or shouldn't try to do them. But I think now I'm really starting to believe that. Help? I know I need to change my attitude, and it's my fault for having this attitude, but I don't know how to change it. I really think this will be the semester where I get my first C. Or maybe more than one. We'll see. See, now, I just typed that, and it doesn't phase me. I don't care if I get a C...but I do care. I really do. I don't want that, and I'll be even more upset with myself if my grades suffer...but by the time that I get the grades, getting angry at myself won't do any good because the chance to fix it will have passed. Does any of this even make sense? I think I need to go to sleep. Maybe I'll compose tomorrow morning. Yes. I have to. I have to.
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| The boy only wanted to give mother something,
and all of her roses had bloomed.
Looking at him as he came rushing in with them,
knowing her roses were doomed,
all she could see were some thorns buried deep
and tears that he cried as she tended his wounds.
And she knew it was love.
It was one she could understand.
He was showing his love,
and that's how he hurt his hands.
He still remembers that night as a child,
on his mother's knee.
She held him close, and she opened her Bible
and quietly started to read.
In seeing a picture of Jesus he cried out,
"Mama, He's got some scars just like me."
And he knew it was love.
It was one he could understand.
He was showing His love,
and that's how He hurt His hands.
Now the boy's grown and moved out on his own,
when Uncle Sam comes along.
A foreign affair, but our young men were there,
and luck had his number drawn.
It wasn't that long till our hero was gone.
He gave to a friend what he learned from the cross.
But they knew it was love.
It was one they could understand.
He was showing his love,
and that's how he hurt his hands.
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| Look out. This is not going to be organized. Just some thoughts I have had recently.
I have self-esteem issues. About a lot of things. Right now it's mainly about my schoolwork and my appearance.
Schoolwork:
I want everything I do to be great. And not everything I do can be great. I can try my best, but I keep telling myself that my best isn't good enough for anyone. I constantly doubt everything I do--especially composing music, since that's my toughest class right now. I keep telling myself that I don't have any good ideas, that I'm not smart enough to be here, that I don't have anything to contribute to my classes. I don't know how to keep these thoughts from running through my mind. I'm getting a little better at minimizing them...I think.
Appearance:
I've always wanted to think that I'm not a girl who cares too much about the way she looks. I'm starting to realize, though, that I am. But I'm not the girl who cares so much about it that she spends way too much time on looking good. I'm a girl who cares a lot about her appearance in that I'm always worried that I look terrible. In fact, it's gone from worrying about how I look to hearing the thought, "You're really not pretty at all," go through my head whenever I catch a glimpse of my reflection. This cannot be mentally or emotionally healthy. It makes me really sad that I think this about myself. I get upset about my weight, but I can't seem to stick to any sort of healthy eating plan. I'm not sure what to do. Something that goes along with this thought is the thought that I'm not good enough for anyone (in a relationship sense). This is also a problem.
New thought.
I love playing the horn. I love my horn. My horn playing is the only thing that is going right this year. If I could do nothing at this school but practice and perform in ensembles, I would be a happy Cobber. My lessons with Mr. Houglum are wonderful. They're not perfect, but they're the high points in my week. I always leave in a good mood. And I could not be more excited for my big orchestra debut on Saturday night. I'm playing fourth horn! It's my favorite part! I am giddy about the horn.
New thought.
I went to the harvest ball (homecoming dance) tonight, though I vowed to never go again. Good job at keeping your word, Rachael. So I went, expecting to be there for a few minutes and leave so that I wouldn't be as sad as I was the last two years I went. I ended up staying for over an hour and having an okay, somewhat-less-than-lame time. I got to dance three dances. Well, I guess technically it was four--one with a friend to whom I taught the cha-cha (and he's gay.), one with my cousin (I'm not sure if I should count this one), one with a guy who's dating a good friend of mine, and one with a good friend that I think might have been a pity dance. Actually they all might have been pity dances. No slow dances. I realized how much I love dancing. I need some practice. Because these were real dances. Swing, cha-cha, waltz, tango, polka...polka's sort of a real dance. Anyway, I think I almost had fun. The part that made it the most sad was the very last song. The band played "That's All." I had been thinking all week about how wonderful it would be to dance with someone to "That's All." But instead, I stood around, watching other people dance. Kind of sad. It's such a wonderful song.
New thought.
I have decided that I feel very much like Elizabeth Bennett of Pride and Prejudice. I'm sure she's much more sharp-witted and clever than I am, but I feel as though we share a similar predicament. Elizabeth meets George Wickham. He's near to her age, charming, and handsome. As he is somewhat of a smooth-talker, Elizabeth and Wickham become friends, with a bit of an indication that Wickham indeed fancies Elizabeth. Elizabeth is encouraged, though never really acts on her feelings (as of course, it is inappropriate for women to express their interest in men). Just when she begins to think that things might be going somewhere, Wickham runs off with another woman and comes back, expecting to still be friends with Elizabeth. It's awkward of course. And this is where I think I am. I just wonder...if I get to be Elizabeth in this situation, does that mean that I get to have a Mr. Darcy? I hope he comes soon.
New thought.
My sister has a boyfriend.
Q: Is this ridiculous?
A: Yes.
New thought.
I feel like I don't have a personality. I just take everyone else's.
New thought.
Oh goodness, it's 1:30. I need to go to bed. Oh, and I didn't write this post to fish for compliments. Just so you know. If you leave a comment, well, I don't know what I was going to say about this, but don't just leave a comment saying, "Oh Rachael, you know these things aren't true. You just have to be more positive." I know I need to be more positive. I'm working on it. | | |
|  | Currently Watching
An American in Paris
By Gene Kelly, Leslie Caron, Oscar Levant, Georges Gu�tary, Nina Foch, Greg McClure, Anna Q. Nilsson, Don Quinn, Marie Antoinette Andrews, Nan Boardman, Lucien Plauzoles, Anthony Mazzola, Louise Laureau, Mary Young, Christian Pasques, Jeanne Lafayette, Martha Bamattre, Alfred Paix, Art Dupuis, Ann Codee
see related |
attention everyone:
it's okay.
that is all.
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| Well.
These past few days have been somewhat of a whirlwind compared with most of my summer. But I love it. I love all of my classes...all four of them. I felt bad when I registered and saw how few credits I'm taking. But I think I'm going to have enough to occupy my time between classes, work, practicing, band...and hopefully orchestra. (Speaking of which, audition results are posted tomorrow evening. Yikes.) Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I have Instrumental Conducting with Dr. Jones. What a wonderful man. And conducting? I'm a little scared of getting up in front of an ensemble of my friends, but I think the comfort issue will work itself out eventually. After conducting I have Culture of Spain for half a semester, and then it switches to Advanced Communication (in Spanish). Culture of Spain is going to be quite a bit of work. The culmination of the class is a 10 page research paper about Spain. Wow. Still, though, I'm really excited for it. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have Composition first. I am not going to lie. I was really expecting to hate this class like none other. I don't feel that I am a composer. I am not inspired. But Mak-attack is our prof, and he knows that it doesn't come easily for everyone, so I think it's going to be okay. Then in the afternoons I have a new class called Worship: Practice and Ideas. It's technically a music class, but our prof said there will be a lot of emphasis on the theology of worship and its roles in present-day society. We'll of course be discussing the implications and uses of music within a worship setting, but it's not going to be a class about how music ministers can plan for worship services. I think I'm most excited about this one. Yeah, it's going to be a good semester.
And as much as I hate to end on a bad note, I have to mention my extreme disappointment with the Cobber football team. Today was the annual Power Bowl, a pre-season-type game between Concordia an MSUM. Now, even though MSUM is a Div. II team and we're Div. III, we don't usually have trouble in beating them soundly. But the Cobbers that played today were not the Cobbers I have come to know and love. We lost 28-7. I think the entire campus was heartbroken. This is not the team I have cheered for over the past two years. Yes, I know people have to graduate and move on, but football has suffered greatly this year. They've got a couple weeks to get their act together before the next game. I don't know how this season will go. It saddens me.
But I suppose since I've written a great deal already, I'll keep going. I love my townhouse! What a great place to live. I'm still on campus, but I'm not in a dorm any more. Praise God. We have a kitchen, a bathroom, and a laundry room all to ourselves. We don't have to share with anyone else! Wonderful. So now I'm going to go to sleep on my bed in my amazing apartment. You should all come visit me. Sometime when I'm not sleeping, preferably. Okay. Goodnight.
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